-A {LIFE} with [FRIENDS]-

It has taken me a couple of days to gather my thoughts, put things together, and figure out how to write about [FRIENDSHIPS]

To me, being a friend is the hardest thing you can do for someone.

You have to be there for someone when they need you most

You have to be there for someone when they need you least

You have to listen to them when they complain about nothing

You have to listen to them when they complain about everything

You have to be there when they want to cry

When they want to laugh

When they are angry

When they are sad

When they are happy

You have to be there for them through everything

It is hard.... But it is also hard to find someone who is willing to do the same back for you

You can do all the above, and if you aren't getting that in return, you will lose energy. If you aren't getting the same care back, you will lose desire, you will lose compassion, you will lose that friend eventually. Its just a matter of time. You can only put so much of yourself into a friendship before it is just too much and you have to let it go.

This post isn't about anyone in particular, so before anyone gets their feelings hurt let me explain... 

I am 25 years old. I can count on one hand the number of people I have truly became close with. That number is the number of people I have let into every aspect of my life. I haven't closed anything off. I haven't not told them something in fear that they will judge me. I haven't not shared something important about who I am in fear of them not liking me. That number is the number of people that I have called my {BESTEST OF FRIENDS}... I can count on that same hand the number of my "best friends" who are no longer my "best friends"

Being a friend is hard.

 

I have always been the listener, the giver, the I will be there no matter what type of person. Now I am not perfect in any way, but I have noticed that the more "friends" I lose, the less I become a listener, a giver, an I will be there no matter what type of person. The more I let someone close to me, the more I close myself off the next time. It isn't fair. It isn't fair for the next person I want to consider my "best friend" because I know that I won't trust myself to them fully. It isn't fair to myself to close myself off because of what I have had to deal with. 

I am the person who holds grudges. I am the person who doesn't like conflict. I am the person who isn't going to say sorry for something I didn't do. But I am also the person who is to stubborn to drop my pride and admit that maybe things shouldn't have happened the way they did. But you know what, sometimes peoples true colors come out in that time of need. When you need someone the most, and they don't bother to ask what is wrong, but just turn it around on them being the victim, then I stop trying. Sometimes the person who is the listener, the giver, the I will be there no matter what type of person needs that back in return, without having to ask for it. 

Maybe it was my own doing that we aren't friends anymore. Maybe it was their own doing that we aren't friends anymore. I am not going to place blame. All I can say is that "it is what it is" and that "life goes on". I can't sit and look at what happened, what I could have changed, or what I should have done different. I need to look forward, think about what is to come, and then go from there. 

-Being a {STAY AT HOME MOM} ... Part 3 of 3-

Now don't get me wrong. I {LOVE} my {DAUGHTER} and I cherish every moment that I get to spend with her. That is not what I mean by "Then I got bored..."

There is only so much cleaning, cooking, singing, or whatever we would do during the day before it gets redundant. Joy and I would attend weekly play dates. We would chase each other by crawling around the house. We would clap. We would listen to music. We would color. We would do crafts. When it snowed, we played outside. When it was warm, we went to the park. We kept busy... But I needed a change

Park day

 I am just not cut out for being the stay at home mom type forever. It was fun for a little bit. But I needed more. I needed to be busier. I needed something for myself as well. I understand that when you have a child, your purpose for life is to take care of that child, show them love, provide for their needs. But also, you need to do something for yourself. You can't get lost in your child/ren. You need to think about where you will be when they are gone.

I was a stay at home mom for 6 months.

Those 6 months were the best months of my life so far. 

Those 6 months provided me with the bond I wanted with my daughter. 

With the love I received from her each day. 

With the laughter of a happy child. 

With the cries of a frustrated child. 

With the nap times I would take when she slept (I still do this now ;D) 

She was my joy each morning, and my exhaustion at the end of each day.

 It isn't an easy job to be a stay at home mom. And some people don't realize how much you truly do during the day. But it is a job that you never clock out of. It is a job that never ends. 

This was a daily experience...

 I made the decision in April to go back to school full time. This meant that Joy would be going back to day care full time, first time being in an actual day care. Thankfully we we were able to get a spot at a great daycare so it wasn't as hard this time around. 

Joy has developed into such a smart little girl already and she is only 15 months. I believe that putting her back in day care has helped that so much. We don't want any more kids, so Joy will never have that other child at home to play with. She loves going to day care each day and playing with the other kids. She is so happy when I drop her off, and she is still happy when I pick her up. 

Always so happy!

 Being a {STAY AT HOME MOM} for those 6 months made me into a stronger individual. It taught me how to love my family more than I thought possible. It taught me how to love myself as well. I may be in school full time, and Joy may be in day care full time now, but my job as a mom, as a wife, as an individual doesn't stop there! I am still growing and learning about my life, my family, their needs and our needs. It is an ever learning experience. 

-Being a {STAY AT HOME MOM} ... Part 2 of 3-

So the first [6 WEEKS] of {JOY'S LIFE}..... 

Lets back track a bit to pregnancy/delivery.... I was the WORST pregnant person ever! THE WORST! I hated it. I didn't enjoy it one bit. I was sick the first and third trimester. It would make me nauseous whenever Joy would move inside me. I had no energy and I gained A LOT of weight... and when I say A LOT I mean A LOT.... I was 136lbs when I found out I was pregnant & I was 209lbs when I delivered... YIKES! 

A Little of my Bump Picture. I took a weekly one!

I did however have a good birthing experience. I didn't have any issues. I didn't have any complications. My water broke naturally. I did get an epidural (which if I could do it again, I wouldn't... I was so swollen... like bad... I'll take the pain over water retention) But the one thing I regret to this day is that I didn't have any pictures taken. I don't have any pictures of the two of us from the day I delivered or the two of us in the hospital!  I was so ashamed of how I looked, how I felt, with my appearance that I wouldn't let anyone take any pictures of me. I regret it every day still. 

The day joy came home from the hospital. One of the only pictures I have of us.

So now to the baby girl! The first 6 weeks weren't the greatest for a new mom. Joy was on a good sleep schedule, but that was about it. I was breastfeeding and something I was eating just wasn't sitting well with Joy. I had to cut out dairy, I had to cut out wheat.. I ate only veggies, fruit, and meat. It wasn't fun! At this time I was so not ready to dedicate myself to a clean eating diet (HA, I still don't, but it is a little better)... Anyways. Every time I would go to feed Joy she would SCREAM!! She would fight me, push away, eat a little, cry some more. It was absolutely horrible! No one warned me how hard it would be to breastfeed! I was fortunate enough to have help and support from others around me. When I had an issue, they would walk me through it. But it still wasn't getting any better.

Joy was the baby who didn't want to be put down... At all! But that was okay! I was in love with holding her, snuggling, cuddling all day long! I didn't do much those 6 weeks while I was home from work and I went a little stir crazy. Don't get me wrong, I still kept up with the house work, and cooking, and the doggies, thanks to the Tula, and I was getting out at least once a week to visit people, but it just wasn't enough. I didn't feel like I was doing enough... I wasn't working!

-

Daddy & the Tula

When I went back to work Joy was only 6 weeks old but I was ready! Yes I said it.... [I WAS READY]! It was a change for me to be home full time. I was used to working and I was ready to do it again. Yes it was hard to go back. And yes I cried. But I was ready for the break! For some time for myself... even if it was just at work! 

That lasted about a week... then I was over it! When I had Joy, I went back to work with a different mind set. I had become a mother, and I started acting like one. The first week back to work I had to pull a 24 hour duty. My first night away from Joy... EVER... and she was only 6 weeks old. I knew right then that I couldn't do this. If I was in a position where I had to leave her for a week, a month or on a year long deployment... count me out! Wasn't happening! 

This was a typical day of Joy climbing everywhere...

I became a full time stay at home mom when Joy was 6 months old (that is how long my chapter packet took)

The time was finally here... I became a full time stay at home mom... 

& {I LOVED IT!}

My love

Joy has always been a very active baby (even now as I am trying to finish up, she is climbing all over me)! She always wanted to be on the go... never stop moving. So she kept me plenty busy throughout the day... I felt a sense of relief... I would get things done around the house when she napped. For once I didn't feel stressed with juggling three different lives... work, school, home.... It was nice.... She was worth getting out of the military for!

Then I got bored....

-Being a {STAY AT HOME MOM} ... Part 1 of 3-

My {LIFE} at the moment...

5 years ago, if you would have asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, a [STAY AT HOME MOM] wasn't on my list! Yes I wanted kids one day, but I was never any good at not working for long periods of time. Every time I went on leave for longer than 2 weeks, I went stir crazy, had to find work somewhere, doing something...

I always wanted to be an Interior Designer (still do)... And I always wanted to be a personal trainer on the side (not anymore)... But I didn't ever want to give up my dreams. I was an independent person, ready to take on the world. Andrew and I had decided that we were just going to see what happens, stop trying for kids, and just live our life! Giving up working wasn't something that I was EVER willing to do... I mean NEVER ....

But when I had {JOY} things changed...

My [LIFE]

I went back to work when Joy was 6 weeks old. It was the HARDEST thing I ever had to do. I cried when I would drop her off ...for like a good week or two I cried. I didn't want to leave her! I didn't want to miss out on her life! I was lucky enough to have a girlfriend whom I trusted, to watch my daughter full time. I didn't have to worry about day cares, other kids, and people I didn't know touching my child. She would text me updates throughout the day on how she was doing. She would send me cute pictures of her playing with her kids. It helped make the working process a lot easier. I was very fortunate.... But then she moved...That's how the military works. You don't stay somewhere to long, and you are always leaving the people that you have come so close too. 

It was [HORRIBLE]... {MISERABLE} to say the least. After she left I went through my fair share of bad babysitters. People who were my "friends" who I thought I could trust.... I finally couldn't do it anymore and I requested my chapter packet! That was the best decision I could have ever made!

 

The {LAST} day of the Military!

I have been fortunate enough to have been there for all, and I mean ALL of Joys milestones...

The first time she rolled over

The first time she said "Momma" (First word)

The first time she crawled

The first time she pulled herself up

Her feeding herself

Her words

Her laughter

The first step she took

The first time she bled

Her night time terrors

Her cuddles

Her sick days

Everything.. 

I have been there.

I knew that if I was put in a position where I had to deploy again, I couldn't do it. I wouldn't have been able to leave {MY LITTLE GIRL} She is my why on getting out of the military...

A {GIRL} & Her [DOG]

Now Joy hasn't always been an easy baby.... The first 6 weeks of her life.... Oh My Goodness... Anyone else have a high maintenance baby??? 

I will explain what I mean tomorrow!

-Who [I AM]-

A Little Bit [ABOUT ME]...

I am 25 years young as of December 12 

I have three [BROTHERS]

-Tyson

-Taylor

-Tad

I grew up in [Twin Falls, IDAHO]

My {Father} - Cody

My {Mother} - Kelly

Married to my best friend, my life, my everything [ANDREW] {December 18, 2010]

There is a story behind how we met, and our anniversary date... I'll save that for later on. 

I have the best [DAUGHTER] in the world... (I may be biased, but seriously, she is the cutest thing ever) ... 

{JOY ADILYNN} She is named after Andrew's grandmother (Joy)

I am prior [MILITARY] 6 1/2 yrs. 

Now I am a full time {STUDENT}

Right now I am figuring out my {LIFE}. I am usually a happy go lucky person, but I do have my days. I look for the best in people and sometimes that comes back to bite me in the back ... I get along with most people and I let a lot of people into my life... But I only have a select few who are really close, and know me, know who I am and who I want to be... 

I have always loved the {OUTDOORS} camping, fishing, hiking, rock climbing, hunting, swimming, biking, etc.. Being outdoors is relaxing. Gets you away from everyone... no phones, no internet, no people... just you and the world around you. 

"It is what it is..."

I am going to get that as a tattoo one day (BTW, I have 3 total) 

Life is what you make of it. It isn't something it isn't. It is what it is. You can't control others. You can't control things out of your hands. You can only control [YOURSELF] and your [ATTITUDE].

Live your life for yourself and no one else. You only get this one shot... this one life... this one opportunity.... Make it Yours!